Joke of the Day .....

[Ian A]

AFTER YOU HAVE READ  THIS ONE, YOU'LL KNOW WHY TEACHERS DRINK ...  

Q.  Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper,  mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of  the processes by which water can be made safe to  drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe  to drink because it removes large   pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and  canoeists

Q.  How is dew formed
A. The sun shines  down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the  tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a  fight between the earth and the moon. All water  tends to flow towards the moon, because there is  no water on the moon, and nature abhors a  vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the  fight

Q. What  guarantees may a mortgage company insist  on
A. If you are buying a house they  will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic  society, how important are  elections
A. Very important Sex can  only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are  steroids
A. Things for keeping  carpets still on the  stairs              

Q.. What happens to  your body as you age
A. When you get  old, so do your bowels and you get  intercontinental

Q. What happens to a  boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says  goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his  adultery  
             
Q. Name a major  disease associated with cigarettes
A.  Premature death

Q. What is  artificial insemination
A. When the  farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow  

Q. How can you  delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in  the  cow                                  

Q. How are the main  20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The  abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into  3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the  abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the  brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs  and the abdominal cavity contains the five  bowels: A, E,  I,O,U..                                                                

Q. What is the  fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does  'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most  common form of birth control
A. Most  people prevent contraception by wearing a  condominium      
       
Q.  Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean  section'
A. The caesarean section is a  district in Rome

Q. What is a  seizure?
A. A Roman  Emperor.                (Julius Seizure, I  came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a  terminal illness
A. When you are sick  at the  airport.            (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example  of a fungus. What is a characteristic  feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always  grow in damp places and they look like  umbrellas

Q.  Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show  you understand its meaning
A. Hands  that judicious can be soft as your  face.             ( OMG )

Q. What does the  word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what  you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

Q. What is a  turbine?
A. Something an Arab or  Shreik wears on his  head

[mike leahy]

must be the same school that all the ucet members went too.to two ?

[Ian A]

5 Minute Management Course  

Lesson 1 :  

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:  
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :  

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'    




'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in   Hawaii  , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:  
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3  
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'  

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4  

A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'    




'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:  
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...  

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.    




Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:  
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!      




THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

[Ian A]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.  

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.  

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.  

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

[mike leahy]

ha ha:silly: :silly: :silly:

[Tim Watts]

haha.. brill.

[Claire Brimson]

haha like it :silly:

[Ian A]

Two old people meeting for the first time ...

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

[Ian A]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.  

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women
will be finished reading this by now.  

Men
are still busy checking their thumbs.

[Ian A]

A haircut.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week..' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH, POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[Ian A]

One for the CLEVER people here;

A Higgs-Boson walks into a Catholic church, and the priest says, "We don't allow God particles in here".

The Higgs-Boson replies, "But without me how can you have mass?"

B)

[Ian A]

I slept like a log last night and woke up by the fireplace!

[Ian A]

What do you call a woman with a toilet on her head? Lu Lu

[Ian A]

THE OLDER WOMAN
 
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.                        
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.                                              
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.  
                                               
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a  Sportsman's Double.
                                                   
'What's that?' I asked.
                                                     
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
                           
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.  
                                                   
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.  
     
I went back to her place.  
                                                     
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

[Ian A]

In a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the mens' restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters:  WW ,   WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."
MEN NEVER LISTEN