Joke of the Day .....

[Tim Watts]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

[Moleman]

This is a really good one guys

Two old people meeting for the first time ...

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

[Moleman]

This ones even better

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

[Underground Sally]

Whats green and has wheels??

Grass, I lied about the wheels.

[Ian A]

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket....

 

 

You can hide but you can't run

:huh:

[Ian A]

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Glasgow
 
 
 
 
 

 
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:-      Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy..

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.                  
                               


For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital

[Ian A]

DOG FOR SALE

A man was driving around the back woods of Holywell, and saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."He knocked on the door; and the owner appeared, telling him the dog is in the backyard.

The man walked into the backyard, and saw a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asked.

"Yep," the Lab replied.

After the man recovered from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he said "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looked up and said, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies; and
now I'm just retired."

The man was amazed. He returned to the owner, and asked what he wanted for the dog.

"Ten Quid," the owner replied.

"Ten Quid? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of
the yard."

[Ian A]

*WALLET SCAM WARNING*

In ASDA, whilst packing shopping into the car, you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old Eastern European girls in tight, tiny tops. They wash your screen with their tits up against the window & ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment. On the way they will strip down & perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front & s**k you off while the other attempts to steal your wallet! I had mine stolen last Thursday Friday Saturday & twice on Sunday.

[Tim Watts]

Brilliant - can you tell me one more thing, which Asda did you last drop them off at?

[Ian A]

Deeside ...... :huh:

[mike leahy]

youve spoilt my little secret now.
ive been shopping in asda deeside for years,i just make sure ive only got a quid in my wallet , it works a treat:lol: :lol: .


   by the way this old chestnut should be in the joke of the day section

[Tim Watts]

and as if by magic, it moves!

[Frank Hill]

So I log into the UCET forum for the first time and its says

Please choose a password with at least 8 characters

SO I CHOSE SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS :woohoo:

[mike leahy]

[quote="frankthesurf" post=2890]So I log into the UCET forum for the first time and its says

Please choose a password with at least 8 characters

SO I CHOSE SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS :woohoo:[/quote]

 CHEEKY:P

[Tim Watts]

haha very good :-)

(but UCET doesn't demand 8 characters)